Self Portrait

Taken in my bathroom because the lighting is pretty good here and just in case you're wondering that poison bottle is my face wash. Also didn't realise how much I like to do several things at once, including capturing myself in the webcam. If you like (or don't, idrc) my screen wallpaper you should click this.

Lately, I feel like I have exposed my life too much. Thanks to the existence of the social media, anyone can easily have access to my life from decades ago through my facebook wall. People  "know" what I think of something from what I tweet, or the captions on pictures I posted. The cool snapchat filters make me want to take a selfie every two second. And my inner narcissus posted those selfies on instagram, too. As well as boomerangs of the places I went, the meals I had, sometimes the recordings of the music I listen to before sleep. Like anyone would care. Like it would benefit someone's life by just looking at it.

I don't always think this way. Just, lately, you know.

And I have been ditching so many other things, for example, my actual social life, off the so-called "social" medias. I don't feel like it's necessary anymore to ask what's up when all I need to know is up on their profiles. Or to tell stories about my funny teacher at class, when I have uploaded videos of him singing on my snapchat. I don't see anyone blows their birthday candles anymore without every member of the gang pointing their phones towards the birthday person, recording the very "special" moment. Which is true, it is special. It's just that I have forgotten what it feels like to see something beautiful and not directly point my phone towards it.

I have been putting my goals and hobbies aside. I used to spend so much time trying to create interesting content for this blogboth writings and visualswhich I hope could inspire others in some ways. It's somewhat sad that there were days when I had to google for inspirations on what to write. I begged my own self to write because my lazy head refused to see the world out of this 13-inches screen.

taken at Ajag Ijig, Gambir.

“Your handwriting. The way you walk. Which china pattern you choose. It's all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand. Everything is a self portrait. Everything is a diary.”
Diary, 2003 (Chuck Palahniuk)

I forget what it feels like to actually spoil myself. Like buying an expensive dessert, with such pretty plating, without having the urge to share what I see and taste to the people who don't even care to know. That's when I knew I need to keep it low a little, narrowing my circle. I'm keeping my personal life to a minimum exposure for a little while, switching off some of my virtual selves. Although, I'll still be around on this blog and other accounts associated with it. I just need some time off from virtual life complexities and learn more about how to appreciate what I experience in life. Because everything is a story written on a diary. Everything is a self-portrait. Your self-portrait is a self-portrait. The thing you chose to do this morning is a self-portrait. The thing you chose not to, is also a self-portrait. As long as you do it to fulfill yourself.  But the things you do for the sake of sharing it to other people, that's what makes your self-portrait, anyone else's. You become their reflections. Their self-portraits. Theirs. Not mine. Not yours.

I don't really know how long is a while. It's probably really short, or really long. Probably tomorrow I wake up realising that this whole thing is a complete nonsense, and I want to take just a hundred selfies with every filter snapchat ever created, and decorate them with colorful stickers. But I do hope that a while is a long enough time. For me to value and appreciate the stories I experience in life. For me to become more gloriously human than before.



Expectations and Understanding

As much as we say we don't live up to expectations, we always do. Happy or sad, satisfied or disappointed, these are all the consequences of having expectations. Happiness is when we chose to have a picnic at the park, on a Sunday in December, and the sun decided to shine the brightest that day. And disappointment feels like homesickness to love's longing eyes, knowing what love should have said a long time ago that it didn't. Regardless, we should be grateful, because having expectations makes us feel.

Relationship, in general, is full of complexities. Just like in a conversation, we expect something from our interlocutor. We don't always expect for a reply, maybe just as simple as a response. Even if it's not always in a form of a sentence. Maybe it's in a form of a knotted smile, or wrinkles on the forehead. This is because as individuals, we have different ways to express ourselves. All kinds of relationships we have. Family, lovers, friends. We expect from them. Question is, how much?

I have been through kinds of relationshipwe all havewhere I am completely aware of my expectations towards people. Putting my expectation up too high is an inevitable mistake. But when I am expecting something from someone, there really is nothing wrong with whatever they do. If it's going below my expectation then probably we just don't start at the same point from the beginning. Even if we do, probably I have a lot more energy to run further when they decide not to continue. Or simply because we are just running towards different directions after all. Maybe they are there and I'm here. Maybe it's not always a running field. Maybe it's a busy highway, sometimes it's a labyrinth. Maybe it's a lot better to walk than run.

At times, we feel like some people should have treated us in a certain way. You expect the best friend to pick up your call at three in the morning. And the boyfriend to know that chocolate is no longer your favorite ice cream flavor without you having to tell him. And when it's not going the way you have expected it, you blame them, for not being good enough. Who is to be blame, really.

But often we didn't see it right awaythat we aim too high. We are busy minding our own businesses, fulfilling ourselves up. Does it ever occur that they, too, have expectations towards us? We expect things to happen in a certain way when all we do is anything but understand. Understand that maybe, at some point, we don't mean as much as they mean to us. Understand that maybe what they have given us, was their all.

We create our own heartbreaks and disappointments through expectations. Sometimes, we even let ourselves to force the *expected* to happen. Having expectation is like drawing a scene from a novel. You use your own imagination to interpret every little detail you read. And it may still look different than what the writer actually wanted to deliver. We don't live to fulfill one's expectation towards us and it goes the other way around. It's not their job to fulfill any of it. Expectation only exists in our heads. So what when it's not going the way it is inside you, the world is not going to fall apart. Don't let your thoughts undermine your happiness. Having expectations is one thing, but understanding is something else. Consider you're doing a little work to save yourself from every little heartbreak and disappointment.



Floral Weekend

Hello guys this is my first post in 2017 and I am so excited to finally have the courage to update this blog again. I'm currently working on a new project, but I can't share it now with you just yet. Let's just say something exciting is coming on its way. Anyway, to catch up with me, here's a little update from the hair department: I have bangs now, guys... Yes. I feel like I have had the same hairstyle for such a long time, so I thought, why not cut my bangs? It was the first days of January, when I had absolutely nothing to do at home. I went out to buy coffee and ended up going home with new bangs. And not that I am obsessed with the way Zooey Deschanel styled her hair (okay maybe kinda), I decided to messy-curl it everyday for an effortless look. Voila. Tell me what you think!

Second update comes from the photography department. Some of you may know that last year I bought myself a new camera, a fujifilm XT-10 I named Agnija. Few weeks ago was the day A turned one so I thought, why not buy a new lens...HEHEHEH #excuse. I've always wanted a fixed lens with a small f-stop number to create that bokeh slash dramatic effect on my pictures. Not to mention I'm a fan of street photography too. So after doing a little research (and a lot of saving up), I made my decision to buy the Fujinon 35mm f1.4 lens. So far it's been doing fine I cant wait to capture more! Pictures will be up on this blog fer sure. Cheers to more pro-looking visuals on this blog!

This is what I would wear on weekends. I like these jeans because of the flower embroidery patches on and the cut off fronts. I'm pairing it with my blue striped top which I think a very weekender essential-it's cotton, it's sleeveless, and it has a complicated knot details. Although it has been raining in Jakarta for the past few weeks, it made me bring my jacket everywhere I went. I brought my pashli because I need a bag that can fit all my personal belongings + my camera. I'm a blogger after all :') For shoes I'm wearing my new favorite pair, it's these black leather espadrilles with crossover velvet straps. I mean, how could I not fall in love with those flowers details on the instep? Wow just realised I may have had too many flower details in just one outfit. Imma go now. Anyways pictures were taken by A at Shophaus Menteng.

What would you wear on casual weekends? Leave a comment below.


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