Self Portrait

Taken in my bathroom because the lighting is pretty good here and just in case you're wondering that poison bottle is my face wash. Also didn't realise how much I like to do several things at once, including capturing myself in the webcam. If you like (or don't, idrc) my screen wallpaper you should click this.

Lately, I feel like I have exposed my life too much. Thanks to the existence of the social media, anyone can easily have access to my life from decades ago through my facebook wall. People  "know" what I think of something from what I tweet, or the captions on pictures I posted. The cool snapchat filters make me want to take a selfie every two second. And my inner narcissus posted those selfies on instagram, too. As well as boomerangs of the places I went, the meals I had, sometimes the recordings of the music I listen to before sleep. Like anyone would care. Like it would benefit someone's life by just looking at it.

I don't always think this way. Just, lately, you know.

And I have been ditching so many other things, for example, my actual social life, off the so-called "social" medias. I don't feel like it's necessary anymore to ask what's up when all I need to know is up on their profiles. Or to tell stories about my funny teacher at class, when I have uploaded videos of him singing on my snapchat. I don't see anyone blows their birthday candles anymore without every member of the gang pointing their phones towards the birthday person, recording the very "special" moment. Which is true, it is special. It's just that I have forgotten what it feels like to see something beautiful and not directly point my phone towards it.

I have been putting my goals and hobbies aside. I used to spend so much time trying to create interesting content for this blog—both writings and visuals—which I hope could inspire others in some ways. It's somewhat sad that there were days when I had to google for inspirations on what to write. I begged my own self to write because my lazy head refused to see the world out of this 13-inches screen.

taken at Ajag Ijig, Gambir.

“Your handwriting. The way you walk. Which china pattern you choose. It's all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand. Everything is a self portrait. Everything is a diary.”

—Diary, 2003 (Chuck Palahniuk)

I forget what it feels like to actually spoil myself. Like buying an expensive dessert, with such pretty plating, without having the urge to share what I see and taste to the people who don't even care to know. That's when I knew I need to keep it low a little, narrowing my circle. I'm keeping my personal life to a minimum exposure for a little while, switching off some of my virtual selves. Although, I'll still be around on this blog and other accounts associated with it. I just need some time off from virtual life complexities and learn more about how to appreciate what I experience in life. Because everything is a story written on a diary. Everything is a self-portrait. Your self-portrait is a self-portrait. The thing you chose to do this morning is a self-portrait. The thing you chose not to, is also a self-portrait. As long as you do it to fulfill yourself.  But the things you do for the sake of sharing it to other people, that's what makes your self-portrait, anyone else's. You become their reflections. Their self-portraits. Theirs. Not mine. Not yours.

I don't really know how long is a while. It's probably really short, or really long. Probably tomorrow I wake up realising that this whole thing is a complete nonsense, and I want to take just a hundred selfies with every filter snapchat ever created, and decorate them with colorful stickers. But I do hope that a while is a long enough time. For me to value and appreciate the stories I experience in life. For me to become more gloriously human than before.

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