The idea that I glorify maybe a little too much in my life. I am surrounded by people whom, I think, concern about my life the way I don't want them to be. Most of the times it feels too much. Some of the times it feels like you are owned, and your opinions and decisions don't matter. Hence I really value the time I get to spend alone. It's really hard to explain, especially when there are also times I feel like I need company and attention—though I never so desperately asked for it. But do I have the choice to control the way people act towards me? Of course not.
A lot has happened in a year. I continued my remaining classes in uni, all by myself, because all of my friends had graduated by then. But long and winding roads later, I made it. It happened not without a struggle, I would say, especially when you're alone and not feeling like yourself most of the time. So I congratulated myself, not only for graduating, but to had gone through them all. I also found a job not long after. Not something I had expected, so there is that. Life has been so so much better in a way.
This year, I started to live alone again since I have to work outside the city. So that means I have a monthly salary now, and live in a semi-apartment near my office area, afar from my family. But these facts alone apparently haven't made me feel like an adult enough, and independent human being, so I had to book a ticket to Vietnam alone to celebrate this year's twenty four seven. Alone, alone. And without a letter of consent to anybody either, including my parents. Because what screams adulthood more than not telling anybody about your travel abroad plans right?
But why?
I'd say, why not? I'm 22, and I have prepared the money, and well, I did survive in some foreign country before, so why can't I make it just fine this time? Until I realized that convincing my parents wasn't really the thing I was trying to achieve, proofing them that I'm capable of my own being was.
Sometimes I think this was the case of my relationship (of any kind) towards everyone. The idea of being dependent on anyone or anything terrifies me. I try to convince everyone that hey I'm fine, I can do it without your help, so thanks for the offer! Which I can. But even if that's the case then does that necessarily mean that one should be alone just because they can do things independently? I don't ask for attention, so when I'm exposed to it, and especially when it happens so naturally, I become so reluctant that it's such an impossible thing.
I imagine being on the other side of the boat, where I want to give my feelings to somebody but couldn't. Where I want to help, or at the very least, make sure things are going okay for my loved ones, but doesn't have the power to. How it would kill me when I don't have enough knowledge over that. I think it over and it really doesn't feel so fair...
Sometimes people loved the wrong way. My mom and her worries, and early morning texts, and sudden afternoon phone calls. My dad with his (also) worries, and corny jokes. And past flames maybe with their hate speeches or unintended feelings, well, who knows?
During my solo trip last week I felt the most of myself. And it's really the weirdest thing because the feeling always, and only happens when I'm not around anyone who knows me, and moreover in somewhere really, really foreign. No one knows my name. At one point I told some dude my name was Jude. And though he didn't get the reference, it still felt really nice.
I didn't go to so many touristy places since it really wasn't the whole point. I hopped on one cafe place to another and just sit there writing and drawing, and sometimes maybe having a dead-end conversation with strangers who speaks sufficient English whom I'd never meet again. Things I wouldn't have done if I were to travel with a company. I'm calling it a self-made retreat, this time with the background of Ho Chi Minh city and the smell of warm egg coffee.
I don't want to feel restrained, ever, so I don't want to make people feel restrained either. Hence I should exist between my own space and the people who cares for me. There should be a place where you could be happy for yourself without having to drive people away. Though having to understand that people do things their very way is still a lot to consume, I believe it's a good start.
Here's to year 23, and the love that surrounds.
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