3.01.2020

Understanding You


Nobody likes feeling drowned. Nobody.

In life, I have met a lot of unintended feelings. Anger, anxiety, trauma, depression... I see that to some people, it tickles like a drizzle. To some it’s a rainy afternoon. To you, it’s a wide sea revolts, a tsunami. And unlike a rainy September day, saved by a warm cup of chamomile tea and a calming jazz music, it destructs you and scatters you into ruins.

You start the day with a busy agenda in mind, while secretly hoping nobody you meet today would bring his burdens on to the table. But somebody does... And somehow you feel upset even though you’re not supposed to. You are the saddest in the happy hours. You spend the day thinking about it over again until your curfew kills your thoughts. Then you wake up with all the guilt you are not supposed to carry with you.

It’s almost invisible at first, to see your blackened eye circles, to hear your rage, though in silence. To know that you are drowning, loosing yourself at sea. Especially when you’re not the type of person who likes to talk about it. Hell, who likes to talk about it? Helpless, puffed, getting defeated by the waves of life repeatedly, while constantly trying to figure out how to swim? It took me quite some time to actually realize that what you need is a life vest, and not an umbrella.

I’m sorry... that it happens. That the storm is angrier where you sleep. That your morning coffee tastes bitter as nightmares. I’m sorry life makes you feel alienated with your own thoughts sometimes, and the most you can let out are the tangled scratches on your journal book. Life is harder for you today. I’m sorry that today has tricked you into feeling like you’re somebody else...

But you’re not, as much as you think you are. I know your mind is tired. I know your thoughts make you feel every sore on your muscle like you have been running for miles, even though you’re just waking up. Today rage arrives in front of a broken vehicle and the traffic jam on the street, and I know you’re stretching your smile so hard just to make sure I go by the day clueless about it. I know you are trying. I know you are trying hard. But the truth is... what’s happening is never your fault in the first place. The storm that happened doesn’t make a monster out of you. Out of any of us. See, we’re not changing. We’re never changing, just a little tired. The very same vessel in the ocean. Just a little damaged.

Don’t worry, you’ll conquer your sea. Some day, somehow. Even better, you’ll make a home out of it! Only for now... let’s slow down, hit the brakes. I want you to know that there’s always time for you to rest for a bit. Always. Let’s cancel plans and take the longer route. Unpack your fears and insecurities, and have a little chit chat, you and I. You know, it’s been awhile since we talk about omelettes, mercury retrogades, or other nonsense. So let’s talk. For as long as we can. Or stay silent for as long as we can, that’s okay, too. We’ll sit next to each other so long until days and months don’t matter anymore. Until the storm passes.

And the storm will pass... onto cloud nine and brighter skies. Let’s not feel bad for too long.

In the meantime, I really hope today is bearable for you.

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