On My Train Ride Home

Photo taken at Masjid Negara, Putrajaya, MY

It's almost 10 pm so the train was barely crowded. I love spending time with my own companion. I love being at places I could be alone, even when I actually am not. I enjoy places where I don't have the urge to start small conversation, but with myself. So I was sitting alone, with my earphones plugged, playing whatever melancholic song on my playlist. I stared at my own reflection on the train window in front of me. I saw myself, my tired face. I had just spent hours talking to several people, making major decisions. There were a lot of things on the table and we had to make sure the decisions made were for everyone's best interest. It is not possible to make everyone, including ourselves, happy. Every plan had its flaws, we were just considering which one had the less. I remember it had been such a long long day, and I needed time for myself.

Having people around gives me energy to work, to create something new. But at times, I'd like to be alone, to know the reason I'm doing what I'm doing. To figure out what I'm going to do next. To evaluate myself so I won't make the exact same mistakes I have made in the past. I am no superhuman. I have let people down. I have disrespected other people, sometimes without even realising it. Most of the time, I'm trying to win my ego over everything, over everyone.

I don't know about you, but  for me, other people's beliefs are the last thing I am concerned about. I'm tired of seeing people who use their beliefs as excuses for all the wrong actions they are doing. Being a part of a particular religion, or not, doesn't define that you're a good or bad person. It all comes back to you. A way to measure your character is by figuring out what you would do when no one is looking. That way you know whether you're doing good things only for yourself or not.

One time I was a little pissed because a friend of mine did something that shows that she didn't appreciate my belief. We were very close friends, so I thought even if she can't accept others, she would make an exception for me. So I took a moment with myself to breath, putting myself in her glasses to be able to see the world from her point of view. I finally came to a realisation that what she did was part of what she believes in, that I have to respect. And if I couldn't accept that, if I just keep trying to win my own ego over it, then what makes me different than her?

It is never easy: admitting to your own self that what you did was wrong. That everyone made mistakes, including you. Which is why to be able to forgive others, you have to forgive yourself first. Accept yourself and learn from your mistakes. The key to forgiveness is understanding. Understand that every single living thing in this world is different. That every person has their story, and is holding on to his/her own belief. Understand that people make mistakes because it's inevitable. And because it's inevitable, it will not stop. People will keep making mistakes, same old or new ones. Every new day is another chance for you to be disappointed with people, as well as to move past your anger. The least you could do is to forgive. I know talking about it isn't as easy as doing it. But with courage, and a couple of deep breaths, it is possible.

My apologies to you whom I have let down, or I have disrespected, with or without my awareness. Just like you are, I am a human and I tend to put myself over everything. And I'm not saying that what I did was never to hurt anyone. But every time I do it, I have victory for my ego, and a great loss for my heart. So I genuinely want to say sorry for what I have done wrong and hope you all can forgive me with a big heart.

I wish you a very happy and peaceful Eid,
Happy Eid Mubarak!

A

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